Transcription
00:09
97.3 WZBG, third Wednesday of the month. I can’t believe it’s already the third Wednesday of the month. Man, we got here fast. And the third Wednesday, we generally get a visit with the folks from the McCall Behavioral Health Network, and he’s been with us before. He’s back once again. John Fecto is a social worker there. John, welcome back to. The show. Thanks for having me. Thanks for joining us. New topic today, one we’re coming at a little bit because our message that we’re sharing from McCall is about men and about loneliness and lack of connection, which number one, to delve into the topic is not something us guys do easily anyway.
00:50
But that’s where we are going today. And, you know, there is a greater recognition, I think, now that among men that, yes, this is a problem, a growing problem. And we’re more willing to admit it in these days, aren’t we? Yes, I think so. And some of the numbers even bear that out, right? In 1990, about 3 of men identified having zero friends, no friends whatsoever. Right. Many times aside from their partner. And in 2021, that number had gone up to 15 which one shows that a lot more people are reporting it, but even then that number. Is still probably low. But you’re talking about 15 of the US male population identifying that they have not one friend whatsoever, zero. Right. So that’s about one in seven men. And we know that’s probably underreported, but still that’s five times more than 1990. So already you’re seeing an exponential admission that this is something. And we know we’ve got this classic stereotype in America of the strong, rugged individual male who goes out and solves problems. We’re problem solvers. We don’t spend a lot of time in the details and get into all the emotion about it.
02:07
That is the classic way in which things are done. And it does harm for a lot of us, doesn’t it? It does. It does. A lot of men’s relationships are sort of structured around a venue, a thing that you do, whether it’s school or work or a team or a league or whatnot, or a sport that you play or whatnot it’s, it, the relationships tend to be more sort of shoulder to shoulder. You go out and do something together, right? And then after that, if you’re asked, well, how are the guys? Well, they’re, they’re good, I guess. You really don’t get into a lot of, sort of emotional depth versus a lot of women’s relationships. And, you know, granted, I’m sure it’s not a hundred percent, but, you know, many women’s relationships tend to be more face to face. So it’s more of they will go out and talk, right? And that’s, and different than a lot of the male relationships and a lot of times you’ll see people after they, you know, engage in a sport or a league or whatnot, if somebody asked them how the rest of their friends are doing, they really won’t have incredibly deep answers on that.
03:16
And because we’re not used to having those kind of emotional outlets and those kind of emotional relationships, that loneliness can really sink in. Even if you’re doing things with people, it’s you can still experience loneliness which leads to a lot of depression anxieties Cynicism, you know, I don’t need other people, right? That rugged individualism that we have, that I think sort of puts us more in a place where we like to solve problems than validate an emotion. Just the visual aspect of it. As you were painting this picture, I’m thinking of the cultural images I see, you know, something you may watch on TV or some kind of show or whatever. And it shows that, typically when it shows women together, It shows them engaging conversation, doing something in which there is an exchange of emotion. With guys, you’ve got that shouldertoshoulder They’re doing something. They’re shooting pool. They’re watching a sporting event. They’re at the game, what have you. They’re, you know, they’re canoeing or something. So really the connection is built around the event, not about what they mean to each other. So that doesn’t get conveyed. It doesn’t get conveyed often. And then, you know, and then what happens is life tends to take over, right?
04:26
Work, family, house, you know, all these things. Adulthood tends to sort of. Erode some of these structures that we have that our relationships are based on. Right. And then so you do them less. I don’t have time to play golf with the guys. I don’t have time to you know go fishing or whatever it is you do with with you know male counterparts in that you tend those relationships tend to erode over time. And so that’s the bad news and the good news because you know when you talk about well what do you do about it. So when those structures So, as structures erode, if the problem is structural, then the solution is structural right? So now what you just need to do is try to rebuild those structures again around, you know, school, work, team, service work, volunteering, you know, trying to find an activity that starts and hopefully is reoccurring, you know, like a volunteer experience, especially a volunteer experience because it also attaches, you know, a purpose behind the activity. Right. But those relationships then can start up again as a shoulder to shoulder. A side by side, you’re doing something. And it gives you the opportunity then to develop them into slowly but surely into, you know, a more meaningful emotional relationship where you can validate yourself a little bit more.
05:47
And so by joining something that reoccurs, that’s a good first step, right? Whatever interests you, start a side by side with somebody or a group. Volunteering is particularly good because it also gives you, one, a purpose. And two, you don’t have to think or say or imply, I’m doing this activity because I need to be around other people or I’m lonely or whatnot. You’re involved in this activity because it has a purpose behind it. You’re helping. And that also helps our own selfesteem when we do that. We also all have those lists of it’s been too long since we’ve talked, right? That at least there’s one or two people that you can take the risk of reaching out to again. It’s just, hey, it’s been too long. Let’s connect again. And whether, however you connect again, if it starts with a side by side kind of relationship again, great.
06:38
Gives you the opportunity to then sort of build that up again. And no matter what you do with all this stuff, you know, whether you’re engaging in a volunteer activity or joining a league or reaching out to an old friend, kind of, you have to kind of breathe through some of that anxiety because we’re not sort of wired to be the ones that reach out for help. Again, we’re, you know, tend to be a lot more problem solving focused. And so breathing through that, being the first person to reach out and text somebody, if you have an activity together to reach out and text and comment on something, like start the conversation a little bit and then turn that a little bit more into a facetoface kind of relationship from a shouldertoshoulder relationship. And most people, most men, I think, are not great at reaching out, but are very relieved when someone else does.
07:31
Sure. And so they’ll receive well it’s validation yeah yeah it’s that validation it’s that selfworth it’s like they reached out to me i’ve got some value to this person that creates the comfort which gets you to that next place yeah and then it it kind of slowly builds from there you know one of the things to consider. And you know what we do at mccall’s is we support people through a variety of things whether it’s a you know a very serious cooccurring mental health and um substance use you know problem whatnot these are all moments that we can help people sort of guide people through it and help support people through it.
08:07
You know, therapy or counseling for men that are struggling with this is a really good solution and something that we do is it creates a space, right, for people to, when we talk about starting some of these, you know, reengaging with other men socially and then emotionally. Therapies or counseling will give you that opportunity to do that in a confidential and sort of emotionally safe way kind of talk through how some of that feels for you and also to be able to have a place to go to as a sounding board when you’re practicing some of these things.
08:39
Right. What’s working? You need a little skill building. Sure. Exactly. What’s working? What’s not working? And it’s confidential. And it also gives you a little practice talking to people about what’s going on with you emotionally because no matter who you are or how you present yourself on the outside, everyone has an emotional life that you can’t avoid. And it’s going to come to the surface one way or the other. Do you want it to come to the surface with. As I’ve had satisfying relationships in my life that make me happy? And then that’s just really a win win for everyone. And it’s something that we can help support people through. And there’s a lot of hope behind this. And again, it doesn’t have to be this longstanding twoyear therapy relationship. These are a lot of shorter term solution focused really, services that we can offer. And, you know, you can reach us at, you know, McCall, BHE mccallbhn.org is our website. And our phone number for our main office is 860.496.2100 and if you just reach out to there, get started, hey, I think I need to talk to somebody individually. They’ll ask you a handful of questions and get you set up.
09:49
John Fecto is our guest this morning. We appreciate your time. And hopefully if there’s a guy out there that, you know, hey, you want those connections, they can help you get there. Appreciate your time. Thank you. All right. We’ll get back to the newsroom coming up in a minute on 97.3.