Repairing Relationships – with Leann Mitchell, LCSW, Director of Family Services

0:00:00
Time for a monthly visit with the folks from McCall Behavioral Health Network. We welcome back Director of Family Services, Leanne Mitchell from McCall.

0:00:22
Welcome back.

0:00:23
Hi, Dale. Thanks for having me.

0:00:24
Glad to have you on the show. And we’re talking about repairing relationships. And you and I had a chance to chat before the interview. And it seems like if there’s going to be a rift or something that seems to be insurmountable with relationship differences, it’s going to happen within families.

0:00:42
Yes, yes. And a lot of the work that I do with McCall is really centered around families and, you know, more specifically the caregiver-child relationship. But when I talk about some of these concepts, I really want people to think about it as translating into every part of their life. So think about it if you don’t have a child or you’re not currently a caregiver, this really can translate into intimate partner relationships, friendships, coworkers.

0:01:13
It’s any relationship you can really think of.

0:01:16
Now you said this also begins at a very early age for us.

0:01:19
Yes, so what we know about the inherent human need from the moment we’re born is we seek a connection with someone, someone we know who will be there. So as an infant, that’s really, you know, basic needs such as someone to feed us and make sure that we’re held and cradled when we’re having a hard time. And then that continues to happen throughout life.

0:01:49
So it begins at that early age, and if those bonds aren’t formed and aren’t strong then that can be in trouble down the line.

0:01:57
Yes, what it can do is set us up for establishing some unhealthy patterns in how we operate within relationships. So, really, if I kind of take it back to some of the basic concepts, when we think about a relationship, I think about this wonderful curriculum. It’s an evidence-based model that we use in a lot of our work with families. It’s called Circle of Security Parenting. And really what it is, is it’s talking about attachment-based work with people.

0:02:30
Where we’re helping people understand that when you’re in a caregiving role, for example, you are the hands, you are the safe, secure base that a child is always seeking to return to. So when a child feels safe and secure, then they have this want and wonder to go out and explore the world and accomplish things and discover new things. But they also need to know that they can return home, essentially back to the person, the safe secure hand, who’s going to be there not only to celebrate their moments of joy and accomplishments, but also be there when maybe they’re struggling or they need someone to help them kinda sort out an emotional need or a current stressor.

0:03:12
It sounds like this person is absolutely key to your sense of self-worth.

0:03:17
Absolutely.

0:03:18
To your valuation.

0:03:19
Absolutely.

0:03:20
And your validation. Yes. And when that’s fractured, when that’s busted, this is when things can go bad and folks can turn to areas that are not so healthy for them.

0:03:31
Absolutely. So when there’s some inconsistency with the person who’s the hands, and that’s really when we kind of talk about a lot of the work we’re doing at McCall, which is just overall wellness, addressing substance use, any sort of mental health struggles, that impacts the person’s ability to maintain consistency and be a safe, secure base. So the other person, so let’s say the child, trying to operate within that relationship starts to experiencing all these ruptures in the relationship.

0:04:05
They struggle with how to maybe manage those emotions, or sometimes they’re left with not really sure of who they can return to or how that person’s going to interact with them. And so over time, these ruptures impact our ability of how to operate in a healthy way with not only maybe our caregiver, but with other people in our lives.

0:04:28
What is it about family relationships, though, when you get a rupture in it, that trying to bridge that divide just seems inordinately difficult than maybe it is with a friend, somebody you’ve, you know, palled around with for years and you get a rift and you find a way through it? What is it about the family connection that you would think, counterintuitively, that repair would be easier because it’s what we all want deeply, isn’t it?

0:04:55
Yes. Yes. I think a lot of the struggles with repairing ruptured relationships, especially within families, is that it feels like there’s a lot of shame and blame that come around to admitting mistakes, holding ourselves accountable, and also not giving ourselves the time and the space and grace to heal.

0:05:17
So, for example, in a lot of my work, I do work with situations where maybe the caregiver is struggling with substance use. They need to seek some treatment to get themselves on a better path for their overall wellness and recovery. In, you know, in that situation, maybe the child needs to go and spend some time with another person in the family or out placed into foster care.

0:05:44
Once their parent or caregiver is ready to kind of come back and what we would say is put their hands back on the circle, sometimes there’s this lack of understanding about some time and patience that needs to happen in order for that repair to happen. We, I kind of hear about it a lot where there’s children who are removed and then they get put back into homes and it’s just this expectation well that’s your mom or that’s your dad or that’s grandma and you should do all these things such as just accept that they’re now you know they’re back home and and you should just move on.

0:06:21
And really what I try to do and what we try to do with Family Services at McCall is we try to help people understand that this takes time. If you really want to think about it, rupture is often a lack of trust with someone. And once trust is broken, it does take some time to get us back on the circle, so to speak.

0:06:43
If you’re just joining us, our guest is Director of Family Services at McCall Behavioral Health. Leanne Mitchell, we’re talking about repairing relationships, centering a lot on families here. And believe it or not, we’re down to about the last 90 seconds of our interview.

0:06:58
I could have you in here for an hour.

0:07:00
Yes.

0:07:00
Because as you’re talking about these scenarios, within my own family, different branches of it, I’m like, yep, check. OK, X the box. Yep, there’s that one. That tracks.

0:07:10
Tangible takeaway. You started, I think, going down that road with, again, time, but let’s sum that up.

0:07:16
Yes. So, some tangible takeaways are I talk a lot about taking time out for yourself so you can have time in with your child or whoever that is. Really, that means that we take a little time, and this is not the time to place more shame or blame on maybe mistakes we’ve made. This is really time of self-reflection, really trying to take a moment to step into the other person’s shoes.

0:07:41
It’s also about practicing healthy communication and really being able to express our own needs and boundaries. So when a child misbehaves, it’s not to say that that behavior is okay, but that’s really to say, how can I maybe help you on the circle get back and we can take some accountability, self-reflect, and move on and not continue to make the same mistakes.

0:08:11
And really just progress, not perfection. These are all just, we’re all on a journey and we’re all working through it. And nobody’s expected caregivers, parents, spouses, partners, coworkers, none of us are expected to be perfect in life. It’s all about really taking the moment, self-reflection, and continuing to progress forward in a positive way.

0:08:32
Reminds me of a sign that is sitting in the yard on Route 4 as I make my way home every day. It says, try to remember everyone is in a hard struggle. Absolutely, absolutely. Leanne Mitchell, our guest this time. Thanks so much. Love to have you back on this topic.

0:08:47
Oh, thank you. I can talk for hours, so sure, anytime.

0:08:52
I think we all could when it comes to family relationships. Thank you.