May 21, 2025

Graciously written and shared by Alicia Peterson, RSS, Family Recovery Coach

When someone in the family struggles with a substance use disorder, it’s common for the family system to become imbalanced, leading to overdependence on one person (usually whoever steps into the role of caretaker and stabilizer). Family systems seek stability. However, a substance use disorder creates chaos, unpredictability, and emotional strain. Families often unconsciously look to one person to hold things together. 

The implications of “Rescuing.”

This person becomes the emotional anchor or the manager of the crisis. They may take on a variety of roles as a result, including mediator, protector, rescuer, provider, and sometimes “parentified child.” Other family members’ roles shift, unconsciously enveloping the person with the substance use disorder. The caretaker often acts as the rescuer. Rescuing includes: making it easier for others to continue unhealthy behaviors; helping others avoid the consequences of their actions; doing more than your share of the work; people pleasing; and taking on other people’s problems. 

Rescuing allows us to feel in control and temporarily quiets our fears and anxieties. We’re afraid to say no and set boundaries with others, believing that we hurt other people if we do not answer their problems and demands. This enmeshment can lead to the caretaker suppressing their own needs and feeling emotionally exhausted.

We must keep in mind that healing requires all family members to examine their adaptations to the unhealthy situation.

The Three C’s to Recovery.

One important recovery principle that can begin the healing process is called the three C’s to Recovery, which can help people with a substance use disorder and their loved ones better understand the condition itself and recovery. The three C’s are: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Cure it, and I can’t Control it. 

Let’s break those down. “I didn’t cause it” is first because it is extremely important to remember that you, as a loved one, are not the cause of your loved one’s substance use. This can relieve the guilt you may be feeling about your role in your loved one’s lifestyle. 

“I can’t cure it” teaches us that substance use is a coping mechanism for unresolved pain. People can learn to reduce the harm they are causing themselves through their healing journey.

“I can’t control it” allows us to discern between our pain and our loved one’s pain. We cannot control anyone else’s behavior. However, we can be a compassionate witness, walking with our loved one while caring for our own health and wellbeing. The decision to enter treatment and begin their road to recovery must be a decision that individuals make for themselves.

Al-Anon, a Twelve Step Help Group for friends and families of those withsubstance use disorders, has a core set of principles that the program is based on, one of which is particularly useful in terms of interdependence and rescuing. This principle is called “detachment with love.” 

Resources that can help.

Working with a Recovery Coach, therapist, or support group can help you notice the patterns in your life that may be unhealthy. These resources can also help you overcome people-pleasing, set healthy boundaries, and reconnect to your sense of self.

McCall’s Recovering Together Support Group is offered specifically for families of people struggling with a substance use disorder. The group meets on Wednesday evenings from 5:30 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. via Zoom. If you’re interested in joining the Recovering Together Group—or you’d like to work with a family recovery coach to help you navigate the relationship in your life with someone who is struggling with a substance use disorder—please reach out to me, Alicia Peterson, at 959-229-4814 or alicia.peterson@mccallbhn.org. 

I am excited to announce that McCall has hired an additional Family Recovery Coach. Farrah McCullough is currently in training and will soon be working with clients. I look forward to collaborating with her and know that she is excited to get to know you as well. 

With Love and Light, 

Alicia

McCall’s Family Recovery Coach Program is grant funded and provided at no-cost to all participants.

For more information contact:

Alicia Peterson, RSS

Family Recovery Coach

Phone: 959.229.4814

alicia.peterson@mccallbhn.org

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