Tenderness in Times of Trial

A message from Maria Coutant Skinner, LCSW, President & CEO

June 30, 2025

Dear friends;

I consult with two brilliant writer friends before publishing this column, and sometimes I talk through a topic with them when I’m wrestling with how to frame it. As I was discussing the conflicted feelings I was having about sharing the joy filled stories of my daughter’s wedding in this space juxtaposed against all that is happening globally, nationally and even some of painful situations for folks close to me, my friend Dana’s reply was; “that’s precisely WHY you must write about Abbe and Elijah’s love story!” She went on to remind me that everyone who was at the wedding had a healing experience by being a witness to and part of that love-filled community.

When I re-read my remarks from that day, it made sense. The way back to our humanity is through love and community. There are times that test our humanity – our ability to see the precious light inherent in every life; even…actually, especially in those with whom we don’t agree. I think June offers so many opportunities for us to do this work; Juneteenth, Pride and in our day-to-day interactions either online or in person. We can be tempted to relegate a person to a box labeled; “other” and ascribe traits that allow us to feel superior and justified – and every time we do, we forsake our humanity, at our peril. If we are to make any meaningful headway in healing ourselves and our communities, it starts there. The magic comes in when we recognize that each of us is worthy of love and healing and we can extend that to one another without giving up anything in the process. In fact, by doing so, we open up expansive spaces in our hearts and amplify our capacity for generous regard for one another. 

What follows is my toast to them (edited for length):

When Elijah called to let Greg and I know that he wanted to ask Abbe to marry him I asked him when he knew she was ‘the one’. He stopped and thought….and then said he thinks he’s always known but it was how she handled adversity that confirmed it. Abbe is a planner and thinks through the details – as evidenced by every beautiful thing you see today!! She is soothed by knowing how things will unfold and once upon a time was thrown when things didn’t come to fruition as expected. When Elijah was unexpectedly picked up by the Jets from the Eagles and Ab was left in Cherry Hill to pack up their lives and figure it out – while she was sick with the flu – she took a couple deep breaths and made it happen, with grace, and her characteristic organized fashion. 

Abigail’s second grade teacher remarked at a parent teacher conference that Abigail was a deeply tender-hearted student who looked after her classmates – particularly those who might be lonely or sad. Later in the conference, her PE teacher remarked that she was not someone to be trifled with when it came to dodgeball. She set a boy straight with a trip to the nurse’s office when he suggested that girls can’t throw. As we heard from her dad last night, don’t mistake her kindness for weakness. Strength and tenderness have always co-existed in this lovely girl. Her intelligent and discerning way of perceiving others allows for loving acceptance, joyful connection and a steadfast loyalty to take root.

I asked Abigail when she knew that Elijah was ‘the one. She said when they met, they talked all through the night and they still haven’t run out of things to talk about. Abbe said there is a depth to him that she noted right away. Then she noticed how he was with others – especially his siblings. He has a gentle and generous way of seeing the extraordinary gifts present in others and believes everyone is capable of living to that potential. A gentle, strong leadership.

I thought about when I knew! There have been so many moments where we have been grateful for this love that our daughter found. Elijah quarantined with our family during Covid. We have a tradition of dancing as we clean up the kitchen after dinner. Elijah would jump in to help without being asked and got right in on the dancing. He showed true interest in the stories and idiosyncrasies of every family member. He now holds the title of favorites grace sharer and is asked to offer it at every gathering. I think everyone here has been on the receiving end of an Elijah Riley hug- he RUNs and takes his time to ensure every person is seen, called, loved.  

What a community their love has made manifest! The beautiful reciprocity of love, strength, joy and tenderness that has poured into and built these special people is radiating outward from them! We, your community, promise to continue to lift you up and love you always.

Tenderness in times of trial is the ultimate demonstration of strength. Turning towards one another with gentle understanding, especially when your ego tells you to arm yourself for a battle to be won, is both difficult and deeply worthwhile.

In loving community,

Maria

Maria Coutant Skinner, LCSW

President and CEO

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